The Plot Lines They Don't Want You To See

• 1) The Plot Lines They Don't Want You To See

  Posted over 14 days ago.  Added 23/02/2011 22:22:00 by mikko
  They keep missing opportunities to cut out the dead wood in the plot lines: Brian's dodgy plane could have crashed, Helen's father could have dropped Henry on his head while he was boozing up in the pub and Ruth could have filed for divorce from David on the grounds that he abandoned her as his wife along with the children, the family home and their farming business; she could also claim in court that he is having an incestuous relationship with his sister under the pretence of doing endless paperwork late at night.
  
  Phoebe travels to South Africa and is promptly kidnapped by Jo'burg hoodlums who torture her and demand the entire Ambridge family fortune for her release. They receive the money but still sell Phoebe into white slavery and she disappears forever. Kate is greatly relieved as now she only has one dysfunctional family left to deal with (for the moment...)
  
  Lilian, Brian and the rest of the board are charged with aiding and abetting Matt's money laundering scam as he brings his hidden cash back to the UK from overseas numbered bank accounts. All face 8 years in jail except Brian who has gone missing since his plane crashed on its way back from Paris.
  
  Then we discover that Nigel didn't fall but was pushed - the only witnesses being Elizabeth and David (who did her dirty work for her to ensure she got the Archer dynasty's greedy fingers firmly on the money and the estate). But eventually a third witness steps forward. He turns out to be Susan's criminal brother Clive Horrobin who had been hiding in the bushes while casing the joint and planning something unpleasant for Elizabeth. Hell bent on revenge against Ambridge and the Archers he tells police what really happened and the evil brother and sister are jailed for life. Clive now knows that Nigel's old home is empty and stuffed with riches and so he does the place over. One dark night he packs everything into a removal van and flits to Eastern Europe where he pawns the lot and lives a long life of luxury. As Ruth would say, "oh no".
  
  The local shop is finally closed down by Trading Standards who discover that the old timers who are volunteering to run it are selling home made food items in imperial measurements in contravention of European law. Peggy is prosecuted for turning a blind eye to the multiple abuses of the law that have been taking place in her property and the WI is raided after Environmental Health officers are tipped off about commercial scale jam and fairy cake production in non-certified domestic kitchens.
  
  The village yoghurt factory poisons most of Borchester with ecoli because Vicky forgets to wash her hands after petting yet another sweet little calf and Linda is found hanging from the stage curtain after a freak but fatal accident as she was planning a new amateur production of Mary Poppins.
  
  Peggy, now penniless after the fines and legal bills incurred when her property was seized due to the shop volunteers' multiple abuses of the law, is helped by Usher. Usher tries to persuade her to take Jack to the Dignitas clinic in Switzerland so that Peggy could get hold of his money sooner rather than later but the Law Society finds out and disbars the errant lawyer. Usher's parents have no choice but to force her to split from the vicar and fly to Pakistan to be forced into a lucrative arranged marriage. She is never seen again. The vicar joins a monastery and is also never seen again.
  
  Pip wants to pursue her dream of international travel (in particular - Thailand) but needs serious cash so she gets Matt to front her some dosh to set herself up as Ambridge's top coke dealer. She quickly figures that her new set of wheels is just the job for delivering drugs door to door (she conveniently forgets her "eco warrior" principles and claims that the poppies growing in Afghanistan more than offset the CO2 that her car produces on the drug runs). This enrages Jazza who had been using his milk round to get the spliffs and coke to the "village massive". He takes a sledge hammer to Pip's car and then, in a pang of guilt, suffers fatal toxic shock after downing four bottles of whisky and ten pints of beer.
  
  Falon goes to Jazza's funeral and realises that she was mean to spurn all his advances towards her so she decides to leave Ambridge and join a nunnery. Her vow of silence prevents her from protecting the Bull from Matt's evil intention to develop it into luxury flats and a lap dancing bar. Jolene, simple as ever, accepts £200,000 for her share from Matt because he offers to pay her in cash. Sadly for her it turns out to be laundered money and she is prosecuted for aiding and abetting a convicted criminal, laundering money and defrauding HM Revenue. She is sent down for ten years. The Bull is seized by the Crown, demolished and sold to a well known national car park company which promptly sells a large plot to a major supermarket chain thereby wiping out what little is left of the small village businesses. Well known fast food chicken and burgher chains also take up plots next to the supermarket and blow the remaining local eateries out of the water.
  
  Meanwhile Nelson never died - after all no body was ever discovered. He has been living in Columbia where he befriended several drug barons. In return for helping them to identify the best antiques to steal, they have offered to send their best lieutenants to "have a little chat with Kenton" who is never seen again, save for a few of his teeth which got left behind on the village green.
  
  Helen finally succumbs to post natal depression and is admitted to a mental hospital where she befriends another female patient and sets up a whole new plot line dealing with a severely brain damaged and paralysed baby (remember Henry was dropped on his head on the pub floor) with two mentally ill lesbian mothers.
  
  The two Grundy brothers finally have it out with each other. Unfortunately both use shotguns and armed police are called in. After a three day stand-off the police hear shots, storm the barn the boys are holed up in and both are shot dead. Clarrie is distraught and tops herself leaving a devastated Eddie who sells up his few possessions and flies to Las Vegas where he becomes a successful Country and Western singer.
  
  Joe Grundy and Peggy Archer are left living in shock as Ambridge has become a virtual ghost village. Both now penniless, they move into a 24th floor council flat in a Birmingham estate and plan a new series called The Grungehers.

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• 2) Re: The Plot Lines They Don't Want You To See

  Posted over 14 days ago.  Added 24/02/2011 15:04:13 by KathyPerks
  Bliss!

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• 3) Re: The Plot Lines They Don't Want You To See

  Posted over 14 days ago.  Added 02/03/2011 10:28:47 by borchesterbore
  Script writers please, please, please take note! I can't wait. Fantastic Mikko.

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• 4) Re: The Plot Lines They Don't Want You To See

  Posted over 14 days ago.  Added 21/04/2011 15:13:26 by abby
  Just found this thread after looking for another topic, but must comment on Mikko's plotlines. I haven't laughed so much for ages! Absolutely brilliant and gloriously surreal. Thanks alot for bightening an already sunny afternoon. :)

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